Dear Mom –
Soul Limber is a phrase from Danielle LaPorte’s The Desire Map – a book that changed things up for me in a big, big way almost 2 years ago.
After finishing a video call with a client tonight – and singing the book and its author’s praises to said client (this was her first time hearing of it) – I pulled my tabbed up, highlighted copy off of the shelf. Tonight is a quote night. I knew I’d find the right quote for where I am in this place in time. And I did. It’s just right.
Take a journey into the things which you are carrying, the known –
Not into the unknown – into what you already know:
Your pleasures, your delights, your despairs, your sorrows.
Take a journey into that, that is all you have.
That’s where I am at. I feel I am exploring where I’ve already been – and where I am right now – without judgment or anger. There are lessons every day – but honestly – right here – with you – I just get to write a letter. It’s what you and Grandma craved from me – and what I was able to give you at certain times – not at others. I’d like to think that what I write to you about is all the stuff we would have talked about had you lived longer. We had started walking that path – we got few good years there – but not enough. Not enough to rehash all our stuff and try to lay it to rest. Evidently – that was to be my job in this life. I’m doing a good job.
So, yes, letters, you and Grandma loved to have me write letters. Difference is – this time it’s just as much for me as it is for you. It’s for us. I feel really good about it. I’m telling my story – and in some ways rewriting OUR story. That’s already been happening for quite a few years – in my head and heart. There were things that needed to be rewritten in order for me to feel worthy of many things that I hadn’t felt worthy of for so long – well, no, make that EVER. Yeah. And honestly – I still struggle – but at least now I know where it comes from – and I don’t think of myself as a whiney baby for having had hurt feelings and buried pain over things. I have come to a place of deep self-compassion and self-love. I can be very hard on myself – but not the way I used to be. These days – deep down – I have an admiration for myself that I never would have thought possible – I never would have contemplated. This – in a messy house. This – without a full time job. I admire myself for who I am – not what I do. It’s been a long time coming.
I have learned and changed so much in the last 18 years – and yet – there is much of me that is exactly the same – this includes where I came from. The difference is – now I’ve explored it. I’ve explored that known. I’ve explored it fearlessly. I’ve gone deeper than some people wanted me to. I’ve surfaced with answers and feelings that at times I thought might kill me – or at least pieces of me. Setting those answers down after a time of exploration – and moving beyond them – well – those are some of my greatest accomplishments in this life.
Doing that work – taking that scary journey into the known? That’s made my soul shine that much brighter.
I answered one of DLP’s writing prompts a couple years back. I think it may actually have been, “What do you trust?” Or “I trust______.” The answer came fast and furious. I flipped a piece of scratch paper over – and scrawled:
I trust my story. Past.
I trust my path. Present.
I trust my journey. Future.
What was awesome to me in that moment of scrawling was that I truly meant it.
I still do.
I will continue to.
All things for a reason.
Nothing is random.
I love you, Mom.
I must sleep now.
Hugging you. As I typed it – I felt it.
So glad you started hugging me in the few years before you died.
So glad you kissed me cheek – because now I remember what it feels like.
I can’t imagine not.
I know you’re here – but I’d dig a visit.
Meet me in my dreams?