My six year old has been home sick and my sweet Aspie kiddo (who just entered high school) ran into homework challenges studying for a quiz. That trumps the blog challenge. I will still hit 30 in 30 – but right now – I know where my priorities lie. I also know that I am tired. So tired that I am in a fog. So tired that just the thought of the load of laundry in the dryer and the sink full of dishes and the bills that need to be written – make my heart race with anxiety. I want to do nothing in this moment, because I have been doing everything all day. It’s 10:30, for God’s sake. One should be doing nothing at this hour – except for writing. This is a good hour for writing – or reading. I think I just talked myself out of the laundry and dishes.
Black or white – love them or me? Where is the grey? Hmmm. The grey gets lost in motherhood – I think. No – I know. The kids don’t have a choice of being sick or not – or needing help reading the funky-ass scanned copy of a text book on the monitor – because that would be hard to study from – even if he wasn’t dyslexic – but he is – and you know what? It’s my job to help him. Period. It’s my job to hold the tissue for my 6 year old and find him something for his chapped lips and make sure he drinks water – oh and to snuggle with him under a blanket as much as I can when he asks – so I can hold his head and let him cool his hot little hands on my cool skin. Yep. That’s my job. I wear many hats – but the number 1 – most important hat is my Mom Hat. I’m trying to visualize what said Mom hat would look like. Hmmm.
What I am beginning to realize is that this thing that I do – this mothering. This Momming. This is way more than my job. It is actually one of my passions. It is actually my greatest passion. I just happen to be doing it at 48. And my mothering needs to be a little (okay – a lot) more hands on than many mothers of freshmen in high school – and it’s just going to be that way for awhile. I came to a realization today that This is It. And that is that. And it’s okay. As maddening as it is at times – and believe me – it’s downright – Mother Flippin’ maddening at times –BUT as maddening as it can be – it’s super flippin’ awesome that the powers that be hooked me up with these two. And that reason is – I happen to be best for this particular job. In other words – sure I need self-love breaks – but this gig I’ve got? It’s awesome. These kids. They’re awesome. I can not imagine my life with out them.
Up until right now – today – I have found myself saddened by my decreasing passion for gardening, hiking, cooking and health. These were all true passions – just last year. Oh – I still love these things – but I’m not driven to do them right now – and so – I have found myself wondering if there isn’t something wrong with me. Am I depressed? Am I slipping away? Am I just getting old?
The answer is no – to all of these things.
A HUGE switch was flipped today.