So – No – I am not depressed (anxious – yes – depressed – no). My desire and passion for life are not slipping away. I am not getting old (older – sure – OLD – no).
My passions are shifting.
The fact of the matter is – when my passion is lit – it burns HOT.
Right now I am running hot as an advocate for my Dyslexic kiddo – as he tries to navigate his first year in high school. Fact of the matter is he was not set up for it – at all – in middle school – despite my strong advocacy. He’s floundering – trying to get organized and figure out which way is up without the support he needs within the classroom. There is no real communication between the middle school and high school. There were no transitional meetings with the parents or the students. It’s a mess. The good news is – there IS new blood in the LRC. This is my highest hope right now – that the new teacher will truly look at these students and SEE them for all that they are. I WANT to help. I don’t want to be held at arms’ length. Parents of kids with learning difficulties need to be let in. If we want to help, let us. Communicate with us. Don’t ignore us. I want E to succeed. He has the potential. I want those who come after him to have what they need to succeed. There are four of these kids heading to the middle school right now. They are leaving elementary armed with the tools they need to succeed in middle school (so was E). They are armed with speech-to-text. I am hoping that what happened to E – does not happen to them. That would be the taking away of the tool and stagnation on many levels – mainly writing – which ends up dumbing down their progress in Gen Ed classes. I am fighting for continuity between the three schools in our district – to make these kids transitions go smoothly. I am also fighting for technology that has been proven to work repeatedly for this population – at the elementary level. I want them to benefit from this awesome tool moving forward in their education and life. There is no reason that couldn’t happen. I’m in. All in. On fire.
I am also undeniably passionate about helping women, teens and families in recovery. The big one? Moms. Moms in recovery. Recovery from drugs and alcohol, yes, but also recovery from life in general. We are all recovering from something. When we look inside, we know it’s true. The support needed to keep it together for your kids while learning how to survive and not numb yourself out is HUGE – and I went to school – both an institute and the school of life – to be an ally to women walking that path. I am uniquely qualified. I love where I am going with my work. I am building a practice. It takes time and energy. It takes Passion.
This segues into the mothering of my 6 year old. I get to be a mom to this one with over a decade of recovery and therapy behind me. I get to mother this one with confidence I never could have imagined as a mother to E when he was this age. I get to mother this one heading into my 50’s – without all the insecurities and perfectionism that haunted me 8, 12, 15, 30 years ago. How awesome is that? Fire lit. Passion burning.
Yeah. There’s passion there. Lots. You have to look just beneath the surface, though. I guess passion can take on many disguises. In this case – looking at me – especially to those who’ve known me in the past as a gardening, outdoorsy, healthy-food eating and cooking Mama – this passion could be disguised as depression – with its messiness and weediness and tiredness and weight gain.
It’s not depression. I know JUST what that looks like. Yep. It comes down to something so simple. There’s just no fire left for cooking and gardening and hiking – all the self-care I would like. There’s just not enough of me to fuel all of those passions, too. Nope. Just a quick flame here and there to remind me that I still love each of them – even the thought of them – that they are each a part of me – that they help make up the whole of me – and that they will still be there – waiting for me – if and/or when I return.
No shame in that.
THIS is IT
This is It – and I am It – and you are It- and so is That – and He is It – and She is It – And It is It –
And That is That
O It is This – and It is Thus – and It is Them – and It is Us – and It is Now – and here It is –
and here we are –
So This is It